Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts
by lilkyonkyon
Summary: A collection of flash fiction through Harry's years at Hogwarts featuring a troublesome new character. Inspired by the series of icons with a few of my own. Rated for innuendo and language. ::The Things I am not Allowed to do at Hogwarts Challenge:: WIP.
1. Prologue

Well, I started writing this story a long, long time ago, but I never posted any of it. *shrug* So why not today? It's still nowhere near done, but every once in a while I write a few more additions. This story will have twenty chapters (ten rules per chapter) plus this chapter, which is the prologue. Since it came up, this is based off of the Things I am not Allowed to do at Hogwarts Challenge.

Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters except for my very own Peter Sigler... and I didn't come up with rules 1 through 150. The last 50, however, were my invention.

* * *

**Prologue**

"Sigler, Peter."

A young boy stepped up to the front of the hall, wearing an engaging grin. His mussed brown hair partially covered his cheerful blue eyes, and the spray of freckles on his nose made him irresistibly cute. Even the prudish Professor McGonagall found herself smiling down at this sweet-faced child.

"You're next, Mr. Sigler. Please have a seat."

Quietly, the young boy pulled himself up on the too-tall stool and squirmed into a more comfortable position, the precious smile never leaving his face. The Professor slowly lowered the Sorting Hat onto his head, and it fell down over the boy's eyes, leaving him in fuzzy darkness.

There was a very long pause, and Peter found himself getting more and more excited with the wait. Finally, a voice in his ear said, "Dear _God_, boy. I haven't seen a mind like this since I sorted the Weasley twins."

"Is that good?" the boy asked mentally.

"Er… that depends on what you mean by 'good.' The twins _are_ incredibly bright, that's undeniable, but they… get into trouble a bit," the hat finished lamely.

"That's okay," the boy thought back. "I plan on having an absolute _blast_ at Hogwarts."

The voice gulped. "And I thought Harry was going to be the hardest to sort this year…. Tell you what, Peter. You promise not to get me involved in your hijinks, and I'll sort you properly."

"Done."

"GRYFFINDOR!" the hat cried aloud. Peter felt the weight taken off of his head and looked up to find Professor McGonagall smiling down on him.

"Welcome to my house, young man."

He grinned back and slid off his chair to join his applauding housemates. Oh, what a grand seven years it would be.

* * *

This was just an introduction to Peter's character - the rules will start up in the very next chapter. Please review!


	2. In Which He Makes his First Impression

Well, here's the first complete chapter. I've decided to have this story follow the Harry Potter series chronologically, pretty much inserting Peter into the books. It's... going to be interesting. We'll be starting in the first book, and most of the dialogue is directly quoted from passages.

**Disclaimer:** I DON'T OWN THEM!! This is just me having fun, okay?

* * *

**In Which Peter Makes His First Impression**

"I'm half-and-half," said Seamus. "Me dad's a Muggle. Mom didn't tell him she was a witch 'til after they were married. Bit of a nasty shock for him."

Everyone laughed.

"What about you, Peter?" said Ron.

"My parents are both muggles," he replied, shrugging. "I didn't know I was magic until I accidentally turned into an animal one day."

Everyone stopped and stared.

"That's impossible," Ron suddenly exclaimed. "You're an Animagus?"

"I guess." Peter took a casual bite of ice cream.

"What do you turn into?"

_26. I am not a sloth Animagus_

* * *

Professor McGonagall was, in Peter's opinion, one of the strictest teachers so far. The very first day of class, she lectured her class on appropriate behaviour. Of course, it probably didn't help that Peter had exclaimed, "She's a witch!" when she entered the room. Her shrewd eyes snapped to him and she gave the boy a cold stare.

"That is quite enough, Mr. Sigler. I will not tolerate tomfoolery in my classroom." The boy ducked his head sheepishly and murmured an apology. He'd have to be a little more charming to get anything by her.

_158. Shouting "She's a witch!" is not an appropriate way to greet my female professors_

* * *

"Potter!" said Snape suddenly. "What would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?"

Peter's eyes met Harry's and they both gave a slight shrug.

"I don't know, sir," said Harry.

"Tut, tut — fame clearly isn't everything." He paused. "Let's try again. Potter, where would you look if I told you to find me a bezoar?"

Even Ron seemed to have no idea what was going on. Harry said, "I don't know, sir."

"Thought you wouldn't open a book before coming, eh, Potter?"

The Hermione girl waved her hand in the air imploringly, but Snape didn't even glance in her direction. Peter smiled, despite himself.

"What is the difference, Potter, between monkshood and wolfsbane?"

The girl suddenly rose, her chair scraping against the wood as she stretched her arm totally in the air. "I don't know," said Harry quietly. "I think Hermione does, though, why don't you try her?"

Peter chuckled and gave Harry a discreet pat on the back. Snape, however, was not pleased.

"Sit down," he snapped at Hermione. "And a point will be taken from Gryffindor House for your cheek, Potter."

"Ooh, burn!" Peter said sarcastically.

Snape coloured in silent fury.

_145. It is not necessary to yell "BURN!" every time Snape takes points from Gryffindor_

* * *

The three of them walked to Hagrid's hut, discussing exactly how Peter had managed to capture Mrs. Norris in the first place. "Catnip," he said simply. "Once I found out Filch depended on this beauty, I knew I'd need a little stash."

Ron and Harry laughed and congratulated him. Mrs. Norris purred.

When Harry knocked they heard a frantic scrabbling from inside and several booming barks. Then Hagrid's voice rang out, saying, "_Back_, Fang — _back_."

Hagrid's big, hairy face appeared in the crack as he pulled the door open.

"Hang on," he said. "_Back_, Fang."

Harry cast a worried glance at Mrs. Norris. "You don't think —"

Peter waved off his concern. "I'm sure they'll get along fine."

He let them in, struggling to keep a hold on the collar of an enormous black boarhound. When the dog — obviously named Fang — caught sight of Mrs. Norris, he doubled his efforts to free himself. Mrs. Norris yowled and leapt out of Peter's arms the same time that Fang ripped his collar out of Hagrid's grip. One ferocious bark later, the pair was last seen chasing into the afternoon.

_187. Mrs. Norris and Fang would not get along_

* * *

At three-thirty that afternoon, Harry, Ron, and the other Gryffindors hurried down the front steps onto the grounds for their first flying lesson. It was a clear, breezy day, and the grass rippled under their feet as they marched down the sloping lawns toward a smooth, flat lawn on the opposite side of the grounds to the forbidden forest, whose trees were swaying darkly in the distance.

The Slytherins were already there, and so were twenty broomsticks lying in neat lines on the ground. They stepped up and waited anxiously for the teacher.

"Hang about," Ron said suddenly. "Where's Peter?"

"Don't tell me he's scared to fly," Malfoy sneered, earning a few chuckles from some of the Slytherins, but they suddenly all stiffened, and a few of the girls even shrieked. They were all pointing behind Ron's and Harry's backs.

The boys turned, somewhat worried, only to find Peter approaching them. They both laughed aloud, and Harry said, "I think this class will be interesting, don't you?"

"Yeah. Can't wait to see the teacher's face." Ron was already chuckling at the idea.

"Hey, guys," Sigler greeted, smiling broadly. "You feel a draft, or is that just me?"

_6. I will not go to class skyclad_

* * *

"On my whistle — three — two —"

It was Neville Longbottom who shot up, even before Madame Hooch had inhaled to sound the whistle. He soared into the air, higher and higher, as Peter watched in mild wonder. His grip slipped somehow, and then he was falling, down, down —

BAM. Oh, something was definitely broken. As Madame Hooch rushed to the boy, Peter turned and muttered to Harry, "I think he resembles his second cousin perfectly."

"Hm?"

"You know Penn and Teller? He's a part of Teller's family." Harry didn't seem to be able to decide if Peter was being honest or not, but he eventually settled into a smile.

"Right, and I'm a descendent of Merlin."

_169. Neville Longbottom is not distantly related to Teller_

* * *

To Peter, it all went so fast. He was watching Harry and Malfoy up in the air. Then Malfoy threw something — Neville's Remembrall. Before Peter could even curse, Harry swung into a dive. Faster and faster . . . and then his feet were on the ground, and he held the ball triumphantly overhead.

There was no time to cheer, though.

"HARRY POTTER!"

Peter whirled. "It's McGoogles!" he shouted, and all the students shrunk away from her approaching figure.

"I HEARD THAT, MR. SIGLER!"

_120. I will not call Professor McGonagall "McGoogles"_

* * *

"_Seeker_?" Ron exclaimed. "But first years _never_ — you must be the youngest house player in about —"

"— a century," finished Harry. He took an extra-large bite of pie and said, "Wood told me."

"Who?" Peter asked.

"Oliver Wood. He's —"

"Wait. _Oliver_ Wood? Oliver _Wood_?" His eyes became quite large. "You're kidding."

Ron sniggered next to him. "I know. I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name. My brothers talk about him all the time."

"Come on, you can't have heard _all_ of them. What about a fake call? You know, 'Oliver Wood! I need Oliver Wood!'"

"Yup."

"Did you hear one about waking up with him?"

"Uh-huh."

"One with a broomstick and a Frenchman?"

"Er . . . no." Nearby, Harry was crying with laughter.

"And what about one with a thestral?"

". . . No . . . ."

"And you _can't_ have heard the one about . . . ."

_4. "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge_

* * *

"Half-past eleven," Ron's voice whispered in the room, "we'd better go."

Peter grunted awake. "You two going then? Mind that Granger girl, she's liable to tattle."

"Thanks, Peter," Harry laughed, slipping into his robe. "Sorry you can't come, but Malfoy'd probably throw a fit if he saw you."

The thought made Peter grin. "You know," he said, "I do have my invisibility thong with me. I bet Malfoy'd like that." Ron and Harry tried to stifle their laughter so Seamus and Dean didn't wake up. Peter just blinked. "I was serious. It's in my trunk."

"Just go back to sleep, Peter," Harry gasped through his tears.

_37. There is no such thing as an invisibility thong_

* * *

Professor Flitwick approached the stalemate with a knowing smile on his face.

"Not arguing, I hope, boys?" he squeaked.

"Potter's been sent a broomstick, Professor," Malfoy burst, thrusting a finger at the offending package.

Flitwick smiled. "Yes, yes, that's right," he agreed. "Professor McGonagall told me all about the special circumstances, Potter. And what model is it?"

"A Nimbus Two Thousand, sir," Harry explained eagerly. He avoided looking at Malfoy's face, which was actually quite comical. Peter allowed himself a smirk. "And it's really thinks to Malfoy here that I've got it," the boy added.

"Excellent. Good luck, Potter. I'll see you all in class." He waddled away, and Peter couldn't resist saying, "See, Malfoy? Yoda agrees that Harry can have a broom."

_58. Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda_

* * *

So that's what I've got for the first chapter.


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